


Oh, haven't you heard?

by Fabro-de-omres (Fabro)



Category: Lego Ninjago, The LEGO Ninjago Movie (2017)
Genre: Based On Buzzfeed Unsolved, Gen, Happy Birthday Lloyd Garmadon, crackfic, the one where no one knows that Lloyd is Garmadon's kid and he'd like to keep it that way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 12:58:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20742584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fabro/pseuds/Fabro-de-omres
Summary: It's the second week back to school, and Lloyd is finally settling back into the swing of things."Speaking of which," says Nya, "have you checked YouTube recently?"





	Oh, haven't you heard?

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday kiddo! I wanted to do something to celebrate so here's a silly fic. I've been on a bfu kick recently (whaaaat?) and wanted to try out this format for myself. Enjoy!

It's the second week back to school, and Lloyd is finally settling back into the swing of things. Wake up, check. Brush your teeth, check. Eat breakfast, leave the house, get off the bus, and walk to the first class. Check, check, check, and check. 

Lloyd pushes open the school's front doors and steps inside. He gets a couple of good morning nods on his way to homeroom, but nothing more than a hello. That's fine. Lloyd's never been the most popular person, and the friends he had in elementary have all but drifted away with his schedule monopolized by his ninja duties.

"Hey, Lloyd. Lloyd!"

Well, scratch that. "Hey, Nya," Lloyd says. "How's it hanging?" He goes over to her corner. Jay and Kai are already there, the red ninja napping at his own seat and the blue ninja looking over her shoulder. Lloyd slides into the seat next to her. Both of them look up at him with identical grins. Lloyd is immediately on edge. 

"Oh, you know, the use," Nya says. It should be impossible, but her grin gets even wider. "Speaking of which, have you checked YouTube recently?"

"Speaking of what?" Lloyd asks, before a phone is shoved in his face. He blinks. The video is frozen on a screen with the word '_UNSOLVED_' stamped across it in bright red letters. Nya clicks play. 

_ This week we will be investigating the alleged existence of a child of Lord Garmadon. _

A strangled noise escapes Lloyd's throat. "What? What- Nya!" He slaps her phone down against the table, ignoring her outraged yelp. His face is dangerously red as he glances around the classroom. "What is this?"

Nya is too busy laughing at his redness to answer. Jay answers for her. "It's really cool, dude!" he says, fiddling with the edge of his scarf like he's scared of Lloyd's reaction. "There are these two guys, and they do theory videos on the internet."

_ "This is a pretty recent one," says one of the men on screen. "Like, could-be-happening-right-now recent levels." _

_ "I've gotta be honest with you," says the other. "I was a little bit skeptical about this one at first, but the evidence really does line up." _

_ "For Garmadon having a secret love child?"_

Lloyd wants to melt into the floor. He covers his eyes with his hands instead and sits back as far as he can. "Nope. Nope! I do not need to be listening to this."

_ "Just you wait. I'll have you convinced by the end." _

"Oh, shush," Nya says. "Stop being a baby." She pries his hands away from his face. Caged in by the desk on one side and Jay and Nya (and Kai) on the other, Lloyd resigns himself to his fate.

_"Oh no, it's not that. I want this one to be true." _

_ Let's get started, then. The year is 20XX. One year after Garmadon launched his first attack against the city. On September 30, between 9:15 and 9:45 PM, a dark figure enters an apartment building in Downtown Ninjago. He takes the elevator to the second floor and goes down the hallway to apartment 202, where he's ushered in by Mrs. Lee, the tenant. Witnesses describe this man as tall, around 6 foot 2 in height, with black hair and wearing a large coat. What's more interesting is what he was carrying. _

_ "Mrs. Lee," says the second man, the one on the left. "Who is she?" _

_ "It's the name she went by," says the first. "Judging by the way she disappears later without a trace, it isn't her real one. The police weren't able to track her down." _

_ "Damn. I thought I was onto something there." _

_ The voiceover continues. "One neighbor, Mrs. Nessa Everton, describes this shadowy-looking man entering the apartment across from her with, quote: "a bag from the local baby store tucked under one arm". End quote." _

_ Okay, but how do we know that was actually Garmadon. Maybe it was... just some other tall, crispy man. _

_ (Wheeze) Some other crispy man? _

_ Well, I don't know, dude! _

_ What other crispy men do you know? _

_ I'm sure there's someone out there. _

"Hey. What are you guys watching?" Kai appears over Lloyd's shoulder, hair even more impossibly messed up from his nap. His eyes light up. "Wait, is this that theory video?"

Nya nods, her eyes never leaving the screen. "Yeah, it is, now hush."

Kai makes a noise of elation. Lloyd is one second away from slamming his head into his desk. "You guys are the worst friends."

_ The first man laughs. "Moving on," he says. "Six years later, in April 20XX, Garmadon once again entered the city. He heads immediately to a park on the Eastside. Police trailed him there, only to find him shouting obscenities at the children who were playing soccer in the field. Garmadon escaped capture once again, but we can fill in the details from the witnesses there. _

"Oh my gosh," Lloyd says. "I remember this one."

_ The coach of the game said, quote: He was an absolute lunatic. The whole time he was screaming terrible, horrible things at the kids playing the game. I wanted to call the police, but they showed up before I could." End quote. _

_ A mother of one of the children there, Valerie E. Richards, had a different take on the incident. She said that Garmadon wasn't harassing the children at random, but only specific ones from one team. Quote: "If I didn't know better, I would have pegged him as one of those crazy soccer parents." _

_ No, but can you imagine being seven years old. _

_ (Wheeze) _

_ And you're just doing your thing, whatever, and this big four-armed man starts screaming at you? _

_ Your mom is just like, "cover your ears, Timmy, ignore that evil man." _

_ "But _ Mom_! I think that's Lord Garmadon!" _

_ The first man holds his pencil in the air. "That would be pretty weird when you think about it." _

_ "Did Garmadon ever say why he was there?" _

_ His partner snorts. "What, at like his supervillain press conference?" _

_ "...right." _

_ "Let's put together what we know. Garmadon's first visit was for a baby, judging by the bag he carried with him. That places the child between a newborn and three years old, making them anywhere between fourteen to seventeen now. The gender of the baby is unknown, as are it's genetics and appearance." _

_ With all this in mind, let's look at the theories. _ _ Theory number one: Harumi Niseko is the secret child of Lord Garmadon. _

"Harumi?" says Jay. "Like the Mayor's daughter?"

"I think so. Didn't she dress up as him for Halloween last year?"

_ Harumi was one of the children confirmed to be at the soccer game, and was also one of the few children that Garmadon didn't shout at. In fact, witnesses claim the Lord of Darkness even went so far as to call her "my girl" and laughed when she kicked another kid in the shins. _ _ Harumi herself has not denied these claims. When interviewed in 20XX, she said, quote: "I think Lord Garmadon would make a pretty cool dad." End quote. _

_ "Just because she said he'd be a cool dad doesn't make him her dad." _

_ "I know. Evidence against this theory is the fact that, while adopted, both of Harumi's birth parents are listed on her birth certificate." _

_ Which brings us to theory number two: that Lord Garmadon's secret son is actually dead but was recreated as a robot. _

All eyes lock immediately onto Zane, who's just stepped into the room. The poor ice ninja looks flummoxed at the sudden attention: Lloyd's face burning, the others sharing giant smiles. "Is there something I missed?"

_ This theory speculates that Garmadon's child- a boy, in this one- died somehow as a child and was replaced by an android version of himself. While it's true that humanoid android citizens exist now, this wasn't always the case. The first human-android models were created just under twenty years ago, lining up with the timeline for this theory. _

"They think I'm a robot," Lloyd says dumbly. "They think that _somehow_ Garmadon replaced me as a child and no one, not even my _mom_, noticed?" His voice rises to a shrill peak at the end and cracks. This only makes Nya laugh harder. "Shut up!" he grumbles, mortified. "I'm leaving."

"No, wait- wait!" Nya says, gasping for air. "You have to see the next one."

Begrudgingly, Lloyd remains in his seat. It's not like he has a choice anyway, with the way Kai immediately drops his head to rest his chin on Lloyd's shoulder with too much pressure to be relaxing. 

_ "Theory number three," says the host. "The secret child of Lord Garmadon is actually the Green Ninja." _

At this point, both of the hosts break into laughter. Lloyd's stupid dumb idiot friends aren't much better, but at least they have the decency to hide their snickers behind their hands.

No, scratch that. Kai is currently crying with laughter, his literal tears soaking the shoulder of Lloyd's hoodie. Lloyd shoves him off and he tumbles to the floor. 

_ "What, in like some kind of misguided revenge quest?" asks the second man. _

_ "Exactly! Why is it the Green Ninja who always goes after Garmadon, even when there's a better-fitted ninja for the occasion? I'm telling you, it's personal." _

"Oh no," Nya sing-songs. "They're onto you!"

_ The second man shakes his head. "No. No. You said this kid would have to be in between fourteen to seventeen. That would mean our city is being protected by middle schoolers!" _

_ "Yeah, that is a little scary to think about." The first man sighs. "Oh well. I liked that one the best, personally." _

_ "None of them sounded convincing to me, but I still think this one's true." _

_ "You mean, that Garmadon has a kid?" _

_ "Yeah. No one goes to those soccer games unless they have a kid to force them there." _

_ The other man laughs. "In any case, the identity of Lord Garmadon's secret child, and whether or not such a child even exists to begin with, will for now remain unsolved." _

The video ends. Finally. Blessed, blessed, silence. Lloyd slides down in his chair so his face is hidden in his hoodie and his back is more against the seat than the backing. His stupid friends are still laughing at him.

"So, Lloyd," says Kai, with the self-preservation of a particularly dumb dog. "What do you think?"

He gets only a groan and a rude gesture in response. Kai laughs and ruffles his hair. "That's our Lloyd."

"Just wait until he sees the one about Garmadon's four arms," Cole says cheerily.


End file.
